Coping with kids and COVID

I think we can all agree 2020 has been anything but predictable.

These uncertain times have wreaked havoc on many households as parents struggle to find their own footing while worrying about and caring for their children. It’s really hard. Focusing on concrete strategies is one way to cultivate hope.

Let’s start with predictability itself. While a certain amount of novelty is exciting, predictability is important for our nervous systems to feel settled, especially for young children. The world can feel big and scary so knowing what to expect is helpful. This is the big challenge of 2020. Adults and children alike are struggling. While we might not have control or be able to predict the outcome of all that is unfolding in our collective experience, there are places in each person’s life that can be predicted or controlled. Orienting to and naming the predictable moments and choices we do have can help to make life more manageable. Some examples might include eating dinner together, having the same bedtime routine, or choosing the Friday night movie. Take note of the activities in your family culture that highlight predictability and choice.

We are accustomed to talking about the negative impacts of trauma. However, more often than you might imagine, adversity can be a catalyst for growth and increased resilience. There is a term for this: Post Traumatic Growth. While it’s true that some people are suffering catastrophic losses; there are many who are struggling, and growing in their capacity to handle difficulty. Understanding human development and what builds resilience is valuable in the best of times, but is more relevant than ever as we navigate such collective challenges.

To turn difficulty into growth it helps to take note of what needs we have as humans to function optimally. The most foundational need is safety. This might seem obvious in the context of physical safety, but the deeper feeling of relational safety is often overlooked or misunderstood. The 1990s are referred to as the decade of the brain because with the advent of the fMRI machines scientists were able to map and study brain development in new ways. A new field pioneered by Dr. Dan Siegal emerged: Interpersonal Neurobiology, the study of how relationships impact brain development. Because our bodies are not separate from our heads, our thoughts and how we perceive safety or threat are intricately connected to our nervous system and how we react to stressors.

This science doesn’t necessarily mean there is a new way of relating. Parents and educators have been loving and creating safety since the dawn of time. However, we are now able to name what happens intuitively and possibly refine our relational skills with this deeper understanding.

As we all know, despite our best intentions we are not able to be our best selves in every moment. No one can. So go ahead and let go of the pressure to be perfect. In fact, the irony is that many parents want to protect their children from difficulty but in doing so, their kids may miss learning critical life skills such as coping with disappointment, or repairing a relational rupture. We all make mistakes. When we can model how to recover from our mistakes or how to get through difficult emotions and circumstances we are helping kids to learn empathy, coping skills, self-compassion, and are promoting executive functioning skills. All of which build resilience and leads to positive growth.

So even though we know we can’t do it all of the time, how can we create relational safety most of the time?

The first thing is being able to BE WITH any emotion without shaming or trying to fix. What this does is it lets your child (although this is true for adults too- and is often what makes a great partner or friend) know that what they are feeling can be managed. Brene Brown talks a lot about this in her work around shame resilience. When a person experiences an emotion and someone else denies the validity of it, becomes overwhelmed by it, or tries to fix it, this sends the message that it is intolerable and the relationship is not safe if that part of one’s self is shared. This can lead to feelings of being misunderstood, shame, and worse the belief of being unlovable. To be with someone’s emotions lets them feel seen, understood, and safe. When we feel safe and supported there is more capacity to be flexible. The emotion then becomes more manageable so the experience can be reflected upon and integrated into self-knowing.

As you might imagine, many of us (children and adults) are having really big emotions right now. Here are some tips for BEING WITH:

Watch for clues in the body.

Use non verbal gestures to show you are with them. Kind eyes, open and welcoming body postures. Does it look like they need space, or to have your eyes averted? Do they need touch and affection? It’s possible to need both--but for the closeness to be initiated by the person that’s upset, once they feel safe. Read their nonverbal cues.

It can be helpful to name what you witness or ask open-ended questions about what they are experiencing in their body. Examples might be, “I see that your fists are tight, are you feeling upset?, or “Can you describe what you are feeling in your legs right now? This helps kids notice and then understand what they are feeling.

A calm tone of voice. Science has shown that calm and lilting voice modulations (voice prosody) cue the nervous system to safety.

Taking Time

I’m sure most parents and educators will agree that this is often very difficult, despite our best efforts. However, it’s often possible to convey the feeling of patience and time even if it’s limited. Explaining that you wish you could spend more time is often enough for a child to feel safe. Ironically, issues often resolve more quickly when approached with patience.

Naming it to tame it. Naming what you see or think might be happening for someone emotionally can really feel supportive, especially to small children who need help identifying what they are feeling. Dan Siegal calls this mindsight or presence. It is very calming to the system and meets a universal human need for understanding (more on universal human needs later).

Open ended questions

This is a trick educators use to encourage creative and critical thinking. It helps the adult know how the child is making sense of the world around them. This is also a great way to engage with what the body is wanting to do with the emotion. Some examples are... “if your feeling could move what would they want to do?, “what do think would happen if…”, or “If your feeling was a color, what would it be”. You can often get even more information by following up with “Why”. These kinds of questions bypass the thinking part of our brains and can often lead to profound insights.

Feelings-- When the adult knows the why behind the feeling they can help to make sense of the situation, offer up possible explanations, and make choices for coping strategies. No one likes to be told how to feel or what to do about it, but sometimes kids are flooded and need help naming and making sense of what they are experiencing. It can also feel respectful to relate to a child as an equal trying to figure things out. Statements such as, “That’s really difficult” (showing empathy). “Sometimes when I feel that way it helps if I... take a little space and do something I really love, like draw” (or whatever your suggested coping strategy for that child might be).

Becoming versed in the Universal Human Needs and Feelings

Children and adults really have the same fundamental needs. Young children may only be able to identify the broad categories of emotions such as happy, sad, and mad. But over time nuances can be added such as frustrated, disappointed, or proud. Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is a methodology founded by Marshall Rosenburg that teaches the Universal Human Needs and Feelings. When I first began to study NVC I was shocked at how limited my vocabulary was about my feelings and how powerful it was to think more deeply about needs. Even if you don’t learn more about NVC (sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication), I think the list is an incredible stand-alone resource.

It’s important to note that our nervous systems are wired to co-regulate. This is especially true for children as their nervous systems are not fully formed. They have to learn the skills of self-regulation through the felt experience of being co-regulated with. It’s as if the child can borrow the adult nervous system to come back to a calm state. Because emotions are contagious, it is important for adults to learn to manage their own anxiety. While it is useful for adults to model that they feel a range of emotions and what strategies they use to cope, anxiety can be problematic to share. Rather than share true anxieties (remember the paramount need for safety), it can be useful to roleplay coping with benign examples of anxiety. For example, when playing a game, the adult could state they were nervous they might loose, then remind themselves to take a few deep breaths.

MIndfulness practices are highly valuable as they increase the ability to be present with what is happening. This does not necessarily mean just sitting quietly. It’s more about coming into relationship with the senses and noticing of self. The biggest benefit of mindfulness practices is that it creates more awareness, therefore space to make a choice between a stimulus and a response. This pause and choice leads to more flexibility and agency in life, therefore resilience.

Gratitude Practice

Humans are biologically wired to look for threat. Evolutionarily this makes sense. It’s what has kept our species alive. The downside is that we have a negativity bias because our brains prioritize negative information over positive. I’m sure you can relate. Have you ever gotten an assessment with many positive comments and only one or two negative comments, but you focused on and remembered the negative ones? That’s the negativity bias. Taking moments to consciously notice what you are grateful for can actually rewire the brain to notice more often and believe in the goodness of life. This is such an important practice during this wild time in life when it’s easy to get swept up in the overwhelming amount of uncertainty. It could be fun to incorporate gratitude into a predictable family ritual!