Tips for connecting with kids in masks.
The world and our education system have been turned upside down. Many parents have expressed deep concerns about children wearing masks, and what might be lost in terms of connection and social-emotional learning. It’s an understandable concern, but there are many ways humans convey connection and care to one another. By understanding more about what signals our body needs to feel safe we can do more to consciously ensure those signals are happening, even with COVID safety measures in place.
Children are naturally resilient. They are learning and adapting to new information all the time. Wearing masks is a bigger deal and often feels scarier to adults because it’s such a departure from our normal and this action is coupled with all of the other fears and anxieties we as adults are managing about COVID. Children don’t have all of the associations and fears adults do. Children will need to have some knowledge of COVID and why wearing masks is important, however, it’s crucial that adults are protecting children and their nervous system from the weight of the adult fears and stressors. Our brains like predictability (with a bit of novelty for excitement). Most teachers and parents are familiar with how settling it is for kids to have a schedule, or know what to expect next. They can also attest to the difficulty that seems inherent in transitions. They are unstable by nature. The transition to wearing masks may feel difficult at first. There may be moments of resistance, but just like wearing underwear or a seatbelt, for the most part, it’s just becomes part of the day. Try to find ways to incorporate and normalize mask-wearing into the daily routines. Choices also help children to have power and experience agency in their lives. Find ways to incorporate masks into this framework. Some suggestions:
Have your child pick out their mask for the day.
Get plain masks that can be decorated.
Have character masks that can be chosen based on how the child is feeling or wants to feel
There are even masks with clear sections in front so you can see the mouth. These might be useful as we transition to mask-wearing as common practice.
Ask your child about how the masks feel, and play around with different fabrics, patterns, and sizes so it can be comfortable
Here are some of the other ways we communicate safety and connection while wearing masks:
Eye Contact
The eyes are still visible when wearing a mask. This is one of the primary visual communication tools used in relationships. The orientation and softness or intensity of the eyes can tell you a lot about the state of another person and where their attention is focused. It’s possible to see a smile in someone’s eyes.
Voice Prosody
This refers to tone of voice and how it relates to our attachment system. Our nervous systems are most soothed by gentle voice fluctuations. This activates our social engagement system and promotes regulation. The amygdala (the fear center of the brain) goes off when a woman’s voice becomes shrill or a man’s voice becomes loud or booming. Even having a flat monotone voice is problematic for social engagement. With practiced awareness, our voices can be tools for soothing and relating
Body Movements
We communicate so much with our bodies through nods of the head, hand gestures and postures. You may have heard about the importance of being eye level with someone to avoid power struggles. This is because being at the same level or lower downregulates the nervous system. There are also open and closed postures that communicate the degree that another is feeling confidence or openness for connection. It can be useful to observe the posture of your child and be conscious of your own posture to have a more attuned relational experience. Some examples of an open and receptive posture would be hands down or open, body facing directly facing you. A closed posture might have arms crossed, legs tucked, or body angled away.
We can also show resonance with our bodies by mirroring another.
Touch
We are mammals and as such need nurturing touch to survive. Even once past infancy, we still need touch to feel safe, loved, and co-regulated with. Recent studies have found that people can correctly identify multiple emotions through touch. When children are feeling big emotions sometimes just the simplicity of feeling nurturing touch can help to contain the overwhelm of emotion. For small children sitting in a lap is a way to feel more grounded in care, but even an arm on the shoulder or back can let them know they are not alone in their distress.
One last thing to note about our neurophysiology. There is something called neuroception which is our body’s way of determining the internal state of another to determine if they are safe to be around or not. This happens on a subconscious level, but by knowing this happens we can take time to regulate ourselves before interacting with others.
This is particularly relevant because children need to trust that adults are keeping them safe.
KIDS BECOME MORE SCARED IF THEY KNOW THE ADULTS IN CHARGE ARE SCARED. So when talking to your child about mask-wearing explain the reasoning behind wearing masks (it keeps people safe) without sharing anxiety or fear. It’s important that adults are careful about how much they share with children when explaining COVID. Children, like all humans, can settle more when things are explained because it allows our pre-frontal cortex to make mental maps about how to orient to the world and make predictions about what to expect. That said, the information they are given should be simple, and with the reassurance that the adults are in charge and will be doing everything they can to keep the kids safe.